


the light you give

by nellymaree



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: 6x04, Angst, Dark, Dark Jon Snow, F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Hurt Jon Snow, Implied Jon Snow/Sansa Stark, Jon's thoughts before and during reuniting with Sansa, Love, Mild Language, POV Jon Snow, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Sansa Stark - Freeform, Stark - Freeform, Stark Family Reunion(s) (ASoIaF), Starklings, Suicidal Thoughts, angry Jon, jonsa, not really romance but sort of implied?, season 6, unedited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-21 10:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16575020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nellymaree/pseuds/nellymaree
Summary: "It had been years since he’d seen her, but Jon would know that face anywhere. Know her anywhere. Sansa."A one-shot from Jon's POV exploring his thoughts/feelings post-resurrection to reuniting with Sansa.  Set during Episode 4 of Season 6, Game of Thrones.





	the light you give

**Author's Note:**

> This is set just prior to the beginning of Episode 4, season 6 and during it. Any dialogue you recognise has been taken directly from the episode. :) 
> 
> Some of Jon's thoughts are dark, suicidal and angry due to his current state. This work is unedited and hasn't been read by anyone else. It's all little all over the place. I apologise for any errors, grammar isn't my strong point.

 

 

“I had forgotten how much light there is in the world, till you gave it back to me.”

― **Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea**

 

* * *

 

There was only darkness.  
  
That’s what it felt like, at least...

There was no longer any light in this world. No joy. Only a bleak feeling that Jon could not wholly define, or understand. A crushing helplessness that shadowed his every move.

He felt so emotionless and hollow now. An echo of his former self.

Sometimes, he was certain that he had no heart at all… But of course, he did.

He was more aware of his heartbeat than ever before. Could feel -and hear- it beat against his chest.  Steady and powerful. Like a drum beat.

 **Ba dum.** **_Ba dum_ ** **. Ba dum.** **_Ba dum_ ** **.  
**

‘ _I’m alive_ ,' his heart seemed to remind him over and over. _‘I’m alive… I’m alive… I’m alive…’_

He did not **feel** alive. He did not feel dead either...Though he often wished he was.

At least in death, he was nothing. No one. There was no pain, no anger or sadness. No guilt. Nothing at all…Not even peace.

 

 _“_ **_Why did you bring me back?_ ** _” he had asked the Red Woman again last night. “_ **Why** _?_ _”_

_Melisandre had merely looked at him, in that uncanny way of hers._

_“_ **I** **_did not bring you back, Jon Snow. The Lord of Light did. You are the Prince that was promised.”_**

 

The Prince that was promised, _ha_! Jon was no Prince. He was no hero or savior from prophecy... He was only a bastard boy who had wandered too far from home. Who had deluded himself into thinking that he could be something more than what he’d been born to...

Well, no more.

Let the Dead come. Let the Wall fall down if it had to… Let everything go to shit. Chaos.

What did he care?

He had tried to help. Tried to fight back and spread the word, to no avail. He had tried to save the lives of innocent people and he had been _murdered_ for it.  Murdered by men he had trusted… Just like Robb.

‘ _I should have abandoned the Night's Watch all those years ago,_ ’ Jon thought savagely. ‘I _should have been with Robb. At least I’d have died with_ **_him_ ** _. Instead of alone, betrayed and  cold, in the snow…_ ’

Jon hated it here now. Castle Black. It served nothing more than a reminder of all he had endured. All that he had lost and sacrificed over the years…

“ **_My Watch has ended,_ **” Jon had informed Edd after hanging the brothers who had betrayed him.

Olly’s frozen face still haunted Jon every time he closed his eyes. Jon did not feel as guilty as he once might have. There was only an echo of guilt. An inkling of what _should_ have been there.

It had given Jon a dark sense of satisfaction. To know that his face would be the last that those men would ever see. Jon doubted Lord Eddard would have felt such a thing. Father took no joy in his duty.   _He_ certainly wouldn't have hung Olly. No matter what the lad had done, Olly had only been a boy…

‘ _I’ve come back wrong_ ,’ Jon thought to himself, over and over. Madly even. ‘ _To hang a boy, younger than Bran… It’s not the world that’s gone dark, but_ **_me_ ** _. I’m wrong. Wrong. Wrong._ ’

More beast than man, now…  
  
“You can’t go,” Dolorous Edd said for (what felt like) the hundredth time that day.

They had spent the better part of the night arguing over Jon’s decision. Doing so while huddled in the comfort of the Lord Commander’s solar. Jon refused to sit with the other men. _They_ may not have killed him, but they served as a reminder of those who did. He trusted none of them.

Finally, at first light, after hours of arguments and wasted ale... Jon set about gathering what little possessions he had.

He did not want to sit and talk anymore. He just wanted to leave. To journey far away from this place, its memories, as soon as possible…

Edd paced the room, worried. He was dressed in his plain tunic, watching as Jon packed.

Jon had never seen Edd look so serious or tired.

“If only Sam were here,” Edd lamented aloud. “ _He_ would be able to speak some sense into that thick skull of yours!”

“Well he’s not, is he?” Jon retorted. “He’s gone.”

Samwell had gone South to become a Maester. Taking Gilly and the baby with him… If Sam had any sense he would remain there. Far from the Wall. Far from Castle Black.

He heard Edd walk to the other side of the room and retrieve something. Jon glanced over and saw him holding Longclaw.  Edd held it in the air looking at it, admiringly.

“Where are you gonna go?” Edd asked after a beat or two of silence. He sounded resigned.

“South,” Jon replied shortly.  He did not know _where_ exactly. In truth, it hardly mattered...So long as he left.

“What are you gonna do?”

“Get warm,” Jon smiled slightly, turning to face his friend. Edd put the blade down on the table in front of them, with a dull thud. Jon paused for a moment, waiting for what came next.

“I was with you at Hardhome. We saw what’s out there. We know it’s coming here. _How_ can you leave us now?”

Edd’s eyes blazed with anger and determination. One last attempt to sway Jon’s decision.

Jon stared at him impassively, though his lip twitched slightly.  

“I did everything I could, you know that.”

“You swore a vow!” Edd exclaimed.

“Aye, I pledged my life to the Night’s Watch. I **_gave_ ** my life!”

Edd looked at him. Both of them were hunched over the table now, both frustrated with the other.

“ **_For all nights to come_ ** ,” Edd reminded, his tone unusually somber.

The familiar darkness mixed with despair, guilt, and anger, coiled inside of Jon once more. Twisting at the pit of his stomach like a giant serpent.

“They killed me, Edd! My own brothers. You want me to stay here after that?!”

Before Edd could reply, a single horn sounded. Confused, both Jon and Edd looked to the doorway.

“Riders, approaching!” Someone yelled.

“ **Open the gates!** ”

Edd and Jon exchanged a wary look. Who could it be?  
  
Jon made to move outside when Edd grabbed his arm.

“Promise me,” Edd insisted, his gaze boring into Jon’s. It reminded Jon uncomfortably of a hawk. “Promise me that when the time comes you will fight with us. Against the Dead.”

Jon looked at Edd and then shrugged off his touch.  
  
“I’m tired of fighting,” Jon only answered, before walking out onto the balcony...

                 
      It had begun to snow again.

A faint haze of snowflakes descended upon the earth. They brushed against his cheeks as soft and light as a lovers kiss.

Jon rested his hands against the railings, staring down at the courtyard. Trying to look through the haze to discern _who_ had come. There was no banner or sigil in sight.  

In the distance, he could see a large woman in armor, with blonde hair, and a boy squire behind her. But it was the woman up front, who had dismounted first, that drew Jon’s particular attention.

He could not see her face but her long red hair reminded him of fire. It was the only source of true color in their bleak surroundings. The red of her hair was lighter than Melisandre’s and deeper than Ygritte’s. It was also strangely familiar.

As though sensing his gaze, the woman turned and looked up, meeting his stare. Blue crashed with gray and Jon felt his heart lurch and then come to a shuddering halt.

It had been years since he’d seen her, but Jon would know that face anywhere. Know _her_ anywhere. **Sansa**.

Jon stumbled backward, as though he had been punched in the gut.  Aware that Edd was staring at him, confused.

' _No…It can’t be_ ,'Jon thought sluggishly. ‘ She’s dead. _They're **all** dead… _ ’

In a dazed, dreamlike state, Jon descended the stairs. Drawing closer and closer to her.  Until he suddenly stopped. Hesitant. Unsure.

They stared at each other for a moment. Both as fearful as the other of being rejected...

Her fine features were filthy, covered in grime and dirt. Her light purple dress and grey cloak were near ruined from travels.  Despite this, Jon had never seen a more welcome or lovelier sight.

Her face crumpled suddenly and she ran to him, closing the distance between them;  her arms wide open. He caught her easily, lifting her up in the air, closing his eyes as he clung to her.  Inhaling her scent.

‘ _She’s really here_ ,’ he thought dazed, as Sansa nuzzled her cheek against his. Jon could feel her body shake with suppressed sobs.

“You’re safe now,” he murmured to her, opening his eyes. He did not know what drove him to utter those words. Instinct, perhaps… All he knew was that they were the right ones.

Sansa let out a loud noise, almost like a sob.

“I’ve missed you,” she choked out, her breath warm on his cheek. He tried to hide his surprise. Those were three words he never thought he’d hear her utter. Not to him.

“I’ve missed you too.”

Jon had not known how much until that very moment.  
  
Warmth spread through him like wildfire. No longer did he feel so hollow inside. She was here. _**Sansa**_ was here…He was not alone anymore. Jon could not recall the last time he’d felt so happy.

They finally let go of one another, and Sansa stepped back. Her hands still gripping his forearms tightly, tears shining in her eyes.  She appraised him long and hard, drinking in all the changes that had occurred in their years apart.

Jon did the same. His dark gaze swept over her face. She looked so much older than he'd last seen her. A woman grown. For all her resemblance to her Mother, there was something gentler about her features. Something of the wolf, as well...    

All of a sudden, Sansa smiled. A radiant smile, brighter than the sun itself. Jon instinctively smiled back.

 The darkness that had plagued him since his resurrection, began to seep away...

For one glorious moment, all was well in the world again; there was only light. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
